Wednesday 3 February 2010

Ten Things You Never Knew about Cate

Ooh, two awards in one day.

The first is the 'You are My Sunshine' award - blows kisses at Jamie Eyberg. The purpose of this award is to thank the people who regularly visit your blog for their support.

I'm passing this award onto:

Katey Taylor and Aaron Polson because they paid me squillions of monopoly money and begged me to choose them, which leads me onto my next award.

Alan Davidson is under the impression that I'm an honest scrap. I feel the need to do the mwahahaha thing... Honesty is boring, here are ten made up things about Cate... Erm, me...

1. Cate talks about herself in the third person all the time.  For instance, here is a line she used at the local sweet emporium this very afternoon: 'Dear Mr. Shopkeeper, Cate would like a chocolate bar the length of her bath tub and a kettle to boil some water.'

2. Cate toddles along to work in ten-inch sparkly heels and hot pants, even in the snow. Tights are for wimps.

3. Cate is not actually Cate, that is, her name is a pseudonym. Her real name is Clarissa Swellington-Head - think about it, she is British.

4. Mid-afternoon, Cate drinks tea with her pinky raised, eats cucumber sandwiches and has a man servant kiss her toes.

5. Cate used to live on a canal barge. Unfortunately, she annoyed the ducks so much by warbling Britney Spears songs, that they pecked a hole in the side of it and left her to drown. To this day, her eyelashes are still wet.

6. Whenever you hear thunder, Cate just sneezed. Whenever you see lightning, Cate switched off her computer screen.

7. Cate was the first person to toddle on the moon. NASA erased all images of her crawling down the steps ahead of Neil Armstrong.

8. The piece of lunar rock perched above her computer monitor smells suspiciously like cheese.

9. Cate hosts zombie cage fights on the first Saturday of every month. She wears the hot pants, heels and is known to nibble on dead men's ears.

10.  The Colin Firth you see on screen is not 'the real Colin Firth'. Cate stole him in the mid 1990s and hid him in her basement. She insists he call her Elizabeth. She hopes Mr Polson doesn't carve any doors to let him out.

I must now pass this award on to two of the most dishonest people I know. I nominate: Mercedes Yardley and Natalie L Sin.


Sophie Playle said...

Ha ha! Why do I get the feeling that not all of that may be true?

"9. Cate hosts zombie cage fights on the first Saturday of every month. She wears the hot pants, heels and is known to nibble on dead men's ears."

Now THAT sounds like a story I wanna read.

Cate Gardner said...

I warn you there will be pictures. ;)

Katey said...

Oh Cate, you are my sunshine! (*shifty eyes* what Monopoly money...? AHEM.)

Her real name is Clarissa Swellington-Head - think about it, she is British.
HAHAHA. So British, in fact, that her name is a candidate for the PG Wodehouse Best Name Award. Right up there with Augustus Fink-Nottle, if you ask me.

Awesome post :D

Cate Gardner said...

Why, Augustus is my second-cousin, third removed... :D

Fox Lee said...

Oh you clever thing! In my caffeine deprived state, I almost didn't notice the great responsibility now placed on my shoulders ; )

Alan W. Davidson said...

Har! That was a hilarious load of tripe you just served up...or was it your man-servant doing the serving? Well done. Seems like some interesting characters for future stories.

Anonymous said...

You had me at sparkly heels and hot pants, baby.


Danielle Birch said...

Hands down, number 9 is my favourite.

K.C. Shaw said...

Well, Ms. Swellington-Head, you made me snort grapefruit juice through my nose, and that was not a pleasant experience. I forgive you, though. :)

Tuonela said...

I believe each of these, implicitly. (Please tell me you toddle like Rece Witherspoon...)

And yes, No. 9 must become a story.

Number 9,
Number 9,
Number 9,
Number 9,
Number 9...

Okay, time for my pills. ;/

Aaron Polson said...

Oh yes! My money was well spent. ;)

Simon said...

Barman, I'll have two pints of whatever Ms Gardner's been having, please... ;)

Danette Haworth said...

Did you moonwalk in hot pant and high heels? You are so cool!

Andrea Allison said...

Ha! Zombie cage it!

I'll have to remember that monopoly money thing for next time. Wait...did I type that out loud? *searches for the delete button*

Kimbra Kasch said...

Kissing on toes - I think I'd like that too bad I don't have any man servants. Maybe if I become British.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I already heard about the cage fights and the hot pants and the...umm...nibbling.

Word gets around, Cate.

Cate Gardner said...

Natalie, apologies. :D

Alan, ahem! Did you just call my blog post tripe? I'll have you know I haven't eaten the stuff since 1974.

Mercedes, you were the inspiration.

Danielle, :D

Kate, apologies. Next time drink wine, you'll get drunk quicker.

Ian, I am Reece Witherspoon.

Aaron, I'm using it to buy a railway station.

Simon, you're in the wrong den of wickedness. :D

Danette, of course.

Andrea, I'm going to remember that comment. :D

Kim, we all have butlers here.

Jeremy, I thought I'd removed that video from You Tube.

スタービーチ said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
スタービーチ said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.