Thursday, 6 May 2010

Life of a Writer of Weird: Kamikaze Fly

Let me pretty the scene for you before it turns ugly. The route to my office is sandwiched between the River Mersey and a dock / part-canal. At times, there are narrowboat people struggling with the locks - though, I suspect they're desperate for escape. On sunny days, ie not today, you can see a strip of beach across the headland. Okay, that last part isn't really visible from the ground, but it is from my office window so the prettying shall stay.

Here's where it turns horrible.

Thanks to the dank atmosphere we have a plague of midges on this pretty little route. Hundreds of the little blighters. I'm aware breathing is not an option between building A and building C (where I work), and I always bite my lips shut. I have experience with fly swallowing - anyone know how many calories there are in flies? This morning, a midge with a death-wish decided my eyeball looked like a nice place to sightsee.

I stumbled into work half-blind, struggling to find my compact mirror and convinced everyone was looking at the weirdo girl with the fly hanging off her eyelashes. I couldn't wait to get in the lift. No fly. No remants of fly. I wonder if it's buzzing around my brain. Or if its carcass* is rotting behind my eyeball.

Nice.

*Can one refer to a squashed fly as a carcass???

16 comments:

Jamie Eyberg said...

I think the calories are negligible. More protein than anything else.

Cate Gardner said...

Good to know. :D

Aaron Polson said...

Yum. Flies. There's such a story lurking here...

K.Hinny said...

I had a gnat fly into my eye once Cate, but it didn't disappear, when I looked into the mirror there was a black blob on my eyeball. That fly of yours is probably gonna start eating your brain.

Josh Reynolds said...

I swallowed like five midges once when my wife made me laugh.
...
Consequently, I don't laugh much.

Natalie L. Sin said...

Now now, I'm sure it flew out your nose late when you weren't paying attention.

K.C. Shaw said...

Ew! On the other hand, maybe you've discovered a new beauty secret. Is the fly-eye brighter in color than the non-fly-eye? Better check.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Evil midges. Lucky for you it wasn't the biting kind. It didn't crawl up your nose, unbeknownst to you, did it?

Andrea Allison said...

Had a science teacher tell me flies are high in fiber...

India Drummond said...

Oh dear... I remember as a kid running away from bumble bees that flocked to the flowering bushes near our drive. It was a daily gauntlet that terrified me

I feel your pain!

Cate Gardner said...

Aaron, actually I plagarised the fly buzzing around my brain from such a thing. Plagarised me that is. :D

Hinny, I expect it to do a blog post next week.

Josh :D

Natalie, fingers crossed. I'll sneeze just in case.

KC, smeared mascara is not a good look.

Alan, nope. :D

Andrea, your science teacher was nuts.

India, I still run from bumble bees.

onipar... said...

You sure can!

I also have experience with suicidal insects. In my case the crazy bastards are gnats, and they really have no preference in which orifice they die. Eyeballs, nostrils, ear canals, throats, it's all the same to them.

Steven Pirie said...

And in all this no one is taking the fly's point of view.

"Argh, I've got a Gardner on my ass!"

I don't think you need worry of the calorific value of your fly, but more about what it was walking on before eye. :-)

Cate Gardner said...

Antony, my ear canals just closed over. Eek!

Steven, I hope it washed its feet.

katey said...

I've swallowed so many bugs-- my dad always said it was good for me since I need the protein, being a vegetarian.

THERE'S a creepy story premise, though. Eyeball flies.

Cate Gardner said...

...that's one story I'll never write. Shudder.