Monday, 6 July 2009

Horrorscope

Pulling out my crystal bull and doing my best Mystic Meg (don't ask) impression, I thought I'd start of the week by delving into the stars. Beware, most of what follows is true...

Stealing from the AHWA, here's your horrorscope.


Gemini
Your split personality will divorce this week. Great news because it means you'll now be able to work on both those projects at once. Bad news for your spouses. Remember using an axe to carve them in two will render them incapable of pencil sharpening.

Cancer
A rejection will make you crabby. Heck, what's new. Be sure to hunt down the editor who rejected you and catch him or her in your pincers. Before you know it, they'll be dedicating an issue to you.

Leo
You're king of the jungle press this week. A competition win will leave you preening and an award nomination will have other writers falling at your feet. Remember, two writers a day is a healthy balanced diet (they're heavy on the butt).

Virgo
Although you're new to this writing lark an unexpected blog encounter will lead to big things. They're not guaranteed to be good, but if you don't put your foot in the water you'll never learn if the shark wouldn't have bitten it off.

Libra
The scales are balanced in your favour. Yeah right, sucker.

Scorpio
The writing world is a poisonous pit. Consign yourself to your garret for the week, don't eat, and you might just make it out with all your pens intact.

Sagittarius
You'll receive a handful of rejections this week. Be sure to shoot them straight back out, but remember, an arrow in an editor's eye will slow down the response time. Aim low and pin them to the chair.

Capricorn
Someone will refer to you this week as an Old Goat meaning you're set in your ways. Prove them wrong by changing genre. Write that romance. Make your zombies sparkle and replace their eyes with beating hearts.

Aquarius
Too much sitting on your desk has caused your ankles to swell. This is the week to get out of your chair and do some research. Break into medical labs, open zoo cages, sit a rival in a dentists chair and pull out all their teeth.

Pisces
This week one of your characters will unexpectedly end up swimming with the fishes. Conduct a mini-funeral in your back yard and bury a slip of paper with their name on. Gravestones are not recommended.

Aries
You are determined to ram your ideas down an editor's throat this week. Choose an editor who can swallow above 20,000 words a day, anything less and you're in novelette territory.

Taurus
You give out bull, you get bull back. Switch to writing your autobiography. After all, you're far more interesting than your characters.

25 comments:

Natalie L. Sin said...

: )

L.R. Bonehill said...

Not sure the Taurus scope is right. I started to write my autobiography once, but I got bored; nothing ever happened.

Alan W. Davidson said...

That was funny. Bummer, that figures...I'm a Libra. How come I can't be a Leo, or maybe a Taurus?

Rebecca Nazar said...

Oooooooo, dentist time. I'll make a necklace out of the teeth as a memento. I'm all smiles.

Aaron Polson said...

Pisces...maybe that explains why I drown some of my characters.

Jamie Eyberg said...

I've got a cordless drill and some bits that could use sharpening. Anyone want to come over for a spell and we can work on that root canal?

Jeremy Kelly said...

Oh god. Another month of split personality syndrome and everyone telling me they think I should see a therapist.
Great.

onipar... said...

Wow. I gotta admit, I'm a little freaked out.

I'm a Capricorn, and I do in fact have a zombie novel I'm shopping around.

Get out of my head!

Catherine J Gardner said...

LR, I don't believe it. Clairvoyant Cate is never wrong.

Alan, what can I say? The stars align how the stars align.

Rebecca, I think you've been doing more than visiting the dentist. I'll be having words with you tomorrow.

Aaron, and people claim I'm not psychic.

Jamie, so maybe it wasn't Rebecca.

Jeremy, ditto. :D

Catherine J Gardner said...

I hope they're sparkling zombies.

Kim Kasch said...

I'm a Virgo and I'll be spending time on the lake this weekend so I'll be watching my feet...steps into the dark waters.

;)

katey said...

There goes my foot! Damn my sign, Virgos are always problems!

That was awesome. I cackled happily all the way through.

Rebecca Nazar said...

Catherine, I insist you write these horrorscopes weekly. How else will I plan my week? ;-)

K.C. Shaw said...

lol! I'm Libra, so I'm quite sure my horrorscope is absolutely correct. :)

Adam Blomquist said...

Research it is then!...Where did I put my pliers?

Catherine J Gardner said...

Enjoy the lake Kim. My bull tells me there are no sharks only piranahs.

Oh no, I mutilated Katey.

KC, I think I'm a secret librarian (now that can't be right???)

Good boy, Adam.

Catherine J Gardner said...

Enjoy the lake Kim. My bull tells me there are no sharks only piranahs.

Oh no, I mutilated Katey.

KC, I think I'm a secret librarian (now that can't be right???)

Good boy, Adam.

Danielle Ferries said...

I'm an "Old Goat". Hmmmm. Could be a story there.

Jameson T. Caine said...

I want a crystal bull. They sound fun. ;)

Horror Girl said...

"A rejection will make you crabby"

i wonder if they always find a way to work in "crabby" for us cancers.

any response at all for my subs would be interesting at this point :^)

Jodi Lee said...

Loved Cancer. ;) I do like to pinch editors....

Brendan P. Myers said...

"You'll receive a handful of rejections this week."

Just the one thus far. But it's early . . .

Catherine J Gardner said...

You're a long way off that, Danielle. :)

Jameson, troublesome creatures.

Samantha, my 'crabby' pun pinched me in the nose if that helps.

Jodi, me too. ;)

Brendan, wait until next week. :D

abrokenlaptop said...

So fun! I'm a big fan of The Onion's horoscopes. In fact, they update on Tuesday, so they should be new today! Huzzah!

-Mercedes

H. Pinski said...

Oh, my! I'm a scorpio. Poisonous pit you say? No wonder I find myself dragging my feet on the next batch of queries to go out! Sorry I haven't been around much...internet overload!

h